hoopy henry and the bucketful o' rahs

so yesterday, i woke up and went to hospital, had some xrays of my face, and found out i have a stone in my salivary gland. they refer me to guy's hospital, where they will put me to sleep and fuck up my face with knives etc. i hope when they are finished, i look like hellraiser.

later on, i get on a train to london to see sean and gem, which is delicious. we drank jack daniel's from plastic mugs. we then moved drinking to a lloyd's, which isn't owned by lloyd, but instead it is owned by wetherspoon's. wetherspoon's is literally my favourite, i think i should try and get a wetherspoon's endorsement. there are a load of people in lloyd's, including john ramos. i don't really know john, but i do know that i want him to be mad drunk. i want everyone to be mad drunk. because i am mad drunk.

new noise was a short-lived interesting love affair of which i remember little. i do remember pulling my own pints at the downstairs bar though. i met niki, who wants to fight me to the death, and verbally threatens to kill sean. despite this, niki seems to be sane and fun. after new noise, i whinge all the way back to sean's and talk a lot of bollocks. sean likens me to karl pilkington, which i feel is a little unfair. i write "I WIN!" on sean's whiteboard, again. i don't know why i do this, but i consider it to be highly amusing and it irritates and confuses sean's mum.

today was interesting, i felt really hungover for about ten minutes and then absolutely fine. good times. we ate toast and walked gem to victoria for her bus back to leeds, and me and sean bought station food and looked in the station bookshop for station books. bookshops tease me. they tell me a book is in stock but it is never on the shelf. having worked in a bookshop, i know this phenomena. the books are lost. i hate losing things, you know when you have something and it disappears and you literally know 100% where it last was but it's not there, as if the world has just swallowed it. all things that disappear go to the dark world in zelda where the bunnies shoot you with arrows, and everything is a strange tint of yellowy brown unlike the fresh and bright colours of hyrule. i was thinking, when a pixelated video game character grows, does it add pixels, or does it just enlarge the pixels it already has? do fully grown video game characters look slightly out of focus?

on the train back some idiot family of rahs came into the carriage i was in and requested that i moved so as that rupert could sit next to henry. no? no. nonono. rupert then sat down, much to henry's disgust. henry resigned himself to sitting on the floor next to the door, almost as if he expected me to take pity on him. no, henry. no. i observed henry with intrigue and disgust, and he began smelling the sleeves and collar of his coat. this was an incredible breakthrough. why the fuck are you sniffing your coatsleeves? i thought. i began to wonder what it was that made him smell his coat, and what magic he had used to make it smell so. was it spaghetti hoops? probably not, why the fuck would your coat smell of spaghetti hoops? unless you filled it with spaghetti hoops... that was it. before i had time to confront hoopy henry i was at st albans, and had to get off the train.

bad times.

goodbye 2007, hello two thousand and rad

so yeh, i haven't written in ages, i've been sleeping and shit. mad times. anyway, it's a new year, which means i will continue to do exactly what i have been doing before whether i like it or not, because i know no other way. there's a depressing thought. i have had a rad christmas holiday though, seeing some lovely people, meeting some lovely people, avoiding some not so lovely people, and getting a salivary gland stone.

i got a job at waterstone's, which was probably the best and most fun job i'll have in a long time. i met some totally delicious people, made friends with them, crashed on their sofas, got really drunk and fell off my chair in front of them and made some good memories, only to say goodbye to them all within a couple of weeks. but that's life. i think i heard some of the best quotes of my life there, off the top of my head:

"My daughter is 23, but she really likes spaghetti!"

"I'm looking for a book, I can't remember the title or the author, but it's green and about this big"

"Not planning on dying anytime soon I see"

"Why don't they make 'Charlie goes to rehab after getting messed up on E numbers and sexually assaulting and killing lola'?"


i spent a disturbing amount of time with luke. it was the worst. among other incidents, he tried to push me into the yorkshire bbc building in a morrison's trolley, wrote "i've got maddy" on my arm in permanent marker (i haven't), told my dad i put coke up my bum, made me listen to christina aguilera's christmas album and then we threw orange segments at dangerous drivers.

christmas was cool, i spent christmas eve with kaylie ice skating it up in hyde park like lovers do, and watching beowulf in 3d at the imax, like lovers do. kaylie is rad. christmas day was also rad, i received many most delightful gifts, the highlights being a rad new guitar and a rad smoothie maker so that i don't have to chew my food anymore. rad.

then new years, which was also rad. me and tommy jumped on a train and got ultra live at sam isaac's house, where we watched high school musical and played singstar. i beat sam isaac at singstar, which literally makes me better at singing than a popstar. suck that isaac. then new years' day was a mess, i was hungover as hell trying to get back to st albans for my sister's birthday unaware that west ham and west hampstead aren't actually the same place. hello jubilee line. hello the whole of london. in case you were worried, i got back in time.

that's it from me. i'll update this thing more when i'm back in leeds, doing maths and shit. i have two new flatmates, i hope they're rad.

night x